Gutfeld: Flattening the curve, or flatlining the economy?

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So how about those lockdowns? 

Much like the politicians who implemented them, they didn’t work. Two weeks to flatten the curve became two years of flatlining the economy. 

And finally, now a new study compares how well states handled the pandemic. Turns out that the ones that came out worst had the toughest lockdowns and policies. 

This, according to the Committee to Unleash Prosperity — which oddly was the nickname for my right hand — they graded the states, comparing deaths, economies and impact on education. And like the time I wore a kilt over a subway grating, the results weren’t pretty. 

Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh) 

Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh) 
(AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh)

According to their research, the bottom 10 were dominated by states with the most severe lockdowns and among the last to finally reopen schools. 

The conclusion? Shutting down economies and schools was by far the biggest mistake governors and state officials made during COVID, particularly in the blue states. 

Now, that doesn’t even include them getting caught, not following their own rules. So the blue states did the worst. 

So you remember the heady days of Cuomo, of governor hunk face? 

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo. (AP Photo/Richard Drew, File)

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo. (AP Photo/Richard Drew, File)
(AP Photo/Richard Drew, File)

BRIAN STELTER: How would you contrast Cuomo and President Trump’s handling of the crisis? 

CNN GUEST: Truth versus mendacity.

RACHEL MADDOW: It’s starting to feel like America has this one president in Washington, but a whole different president for the coronavirus crisis, who’s the guy in charge in New York. 

ELLEN DEGENERES: Trevor, you call yourself a Cuomo-sexual and I agree with you. I feel like I’m a Cuomo-sexual, too. 

TREVOR NOAH: Yeah, I think it’s been really — it genuinely has been very inspiring and refreshing to see a leader like Cuomo.

You perverts. Well, New York performed poorly on every measure ranking 49th overall, according to the study. But we did bump up our numbers of subway platform shovers, looters, mass shooters and street poopers. 

New Jersey, where smells come from, was the worst-performing state, the study found. California, Illinois and Washington, D.C., also received an F, meaning, “Let’s rent a U-Haul and get the F out of here.” 

After all, these places also have high crime, meaning the only people who benefited from wearing masks were the criminals that high age adjusted death rates, high unemployment, significant GDP losses, and they kept their schools shut down much longer than almost all other states. 

Imagine what that did to the mental states of the children out of school and, of course, their parents. 

Meanwhile, who topped the list? Utah, Nebraska, Vermont and Florida, all governed by Republicans. 

But states that locked down businesses, churches, schools and restaurants for lengthy periods did not have lower death rates than those that remained open, and the poor mortality rates in some states, such as New Jersey, New York, can be explained in part by Democrat governors forcing nursing homes to take COVID-19 patients. 

That worked out about as well as Brian Stelter’s personal trainer. The lesson: Don’t use a sledgehammer when you should use a fly swatter. 

CNN's Brian Stelter. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)

CNN’s Brian Stelter. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)
(Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)

EMPLOYEE: Thanks for meeting with me. I have an issue with the fridge in the break room. Someone keeps stealing my yogurt, and I was hoping — 

HR: No problem. We’ll get rid of the fridges. 

EMPLOYEE: No, it’s not so much the fridge. It’s just I put my name on it and someone keeps eating it. 

HR: No, no, no. You’re right. You’re right. No more eating. And we’re going to ban lunches, too. Yeah. Fire the cafeteria staff and lock the doors. Actually, you know what? Leave the staff in there, then lock the doors just to be safe. Great idea, Dave. You know what? I’m going to send a company-wide email letting everyone know it was Dave’s idea to cancel lunch. 

EMPLOYEE: No, no, no. Don’t tell people that done. 

HR: It’s done. 

EMPLOYEE: But I just — 

HR: Thank you so much, Dave. Have a good one. Thank you so much. 

EMPLOYEE: I just want to — 

HR: Thank you. Bye bye, now. Bye bye. Fruit on the bottom and stolen on the top. 

And there’s Florida, whose GOP Gov. Ron DeSantis did away with COVID restrictions early on, ranked 28th in mortality. In comparison, heavily locked-down California came in 27th in terms of death. 

You can say, “Wow, that’s no big difference,” but that’s the point. Florida not locking down still did better than the most locked-down state, and Florida’s mortality rate was likely due in part to the average person there went to high school with Moses. 

That state averages 45 broken hips an hour. But I love Florida. Although California did have one group that was immune, Gov. Newsom and his pals who partied at a fancy-schmancy restaurant while families were stuck in solitary confinement. 

Who knew that smoked quail appetizer has such protective powers? The study also found that keeping schools closed had no impact on the number of deaths in kids or adults, so that was all just an arbitrary punishment enacted by the teachers unions who got aroused by the power they had over parents, kids and politicians. 

The school boards are still wearing masks, so we can’t see them laughing at us. Maybe that’s part of the plan: Keep kids dumb so they grow up to vote for more of this b——-. 

The states with lockdown economies also had jobless rates 2 percentage points higher. That’s thousands of unemployed, and it stayed that way for two years, meaning like Shelley Long leaving “Cheers,” they still never fully recovered from their mistake. 

And one of the two biggest liberal states, New York, ranked second-to-last for its economic performance. California was ranked 50th for its education disruption and 40th for the economy. 

Comparatively, Florida was third for the least impact to education and 13th in economic performance. 

We saw this coming though, didn’t we? It’s almost like the Dems had an ulterior motive. 

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Ironically, those demanding we follow the science did the worst. I guess they meant the political science, the lesson the people who accuse you of not caring of having blood on your hands or putting grandma at risk were the ones guilty of all three. 

I think shrinks call that projecting all the while accusing you of being the problem when it’s them. 

Of course, you won’t hear about that. You won’t hear about this research, except here, because we love you. 

And there’s no way you can lock that down. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the April 12, 2022, edition of “Gutfeld!” 

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