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This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” May 20, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Oh, look at that studio. We’re number one. Again, again. Oh, happy Friday, everyone. It’s almost the weekend. I could tell because Kat’s liver hung up its Do Not Disturb sign. I swear I would stop. But I lie.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: You can’t.
GUTFELD: I can’t. So is it time to declare this national experiment over? The one where we handed America over to a guy who gets lost on the way from the toilet to the sink? There’s not a single optimistic photo of Joe Biden that we can find. It’s all like he’s got a migraine. So do we. Let’s assess the mess. Right now we see plunging enrollment in public schools. Even the ones where hot teachers bang the male students.
People are leaving the hell is prisons faster than felons leaving actual prisons in California. Gas is climbing to 10 bucks a gallon. They’re talking about rationing. If Biden were any farther back into the 1970s he’d be peeing down the leg of his bell bottoms. The only formula for babies that the Dems can find is abortion. Yes. Huh? Pretty. Yes, thank you. Which is a shame because now even men can get pregnant.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What do you say a woman is?
AIMEE ARRAMBIDE, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, AVOW: I believe that everyone can identify for themselves.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you believe that men can become pregnant and have abortions?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: She’s nuts. He’s got crazy, crazy eyes. Well, that’s going to ruin the NFL. Sorry. Tom Brady’s day to day with morning sickness. So, as our education system implodes, teachers are sent to sex fetish conferences. I can just see a math teacher teaching kids how to count to 20 while he sucks on his life partners toes to do so. It’s real. This as kids experienced the highest rates of mental illness on record.
Only to be taught by their teachers. Funny how being masked and locked down will do that to a young person. Just ask the Jehovah Witness tied up in my basement. Meanwhile, panic Dems demand investigations into domestic terror as their disinformation board implodes faster than a Chris Wallace talk show. As this goes on Netflix scraps all its woke programming. The world’s richest man wants a die-hard Democrat now says he’s voting Republican.
Hell at this point, George Soros must be having second thoughts. Interestingly, the public seems immune to the Democrats getting up anti Republican rage, and poor Antifa. Fuel prices are so high instead of Molotov cocktails, rioters have to throw Shirley Temples. So what’s going on here? Are we realizing that (BLEEP) isn’t right anymore? Are we waking up? And is this the true definition of being woke?
Make sense. We let the lunatics take over the asylum. And now the streets look like mental hospitals minus the indoor plumbing, smash and grabs continue unabated. Drugstores shut down as the street drug trade ramps up. That includes fentanyl and the Pepcid they stole from Walgreens. I’m surprised they’re not honoring coupons. Gang crime turns sections of major cities into no go territories and the street poopers they go anywhere they want to go.
Just ask Shillue.
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Oh.
GUTFELD: And our government, well, they believe the answer is investigating you with the FBI meaning full blown idiots. Are you a school board terrorist or a pronoun abuser? Did you dare ask why that blue-haired teacher had the Communist Manifesto in one hand and a sex toy in the other? And what do either of those have to do with third grade math? And they claim we all follow the replacement theory, but only the left seems to know what that is.
And why? Well, they wanted the votes, but they also want cheap labor, just like they did back in the 1850s.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: A lot of other states are heading toward increasing diversification toward demographic changes that mean a less red state future for them.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I really think because of demographic changes in this country I think that the Democratic Party is going to win Texas moving forward and the Democratic Party is going to win Texas moving forward and the Democratic Party is going to be in power for the next 30, 40 years.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Texas have had on this sort of long-term project of trying to take some red states across the Sunbelt and flip them blue as demographic changes are taking place there.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The demographic change that’s happening in America right now gives the upper hand to Democrats.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So, assuming one group thinks a certain way. What a bunch of racists.
Anyway, I list all this stuff because something’s happening. I call it the Great Awakening. The public’s waking up because unlike the media, you exist in the real world. You make a living in the real world and face challenges every day in the real world.
So, when the public looks at a problem, it’s with a mental dashboard and we see the red engine light flashing. It tells us that more criminals and fewer cops equal a crime wave. That math so simple, only a socialist could (BLEEP) up.
We see the wokeism, the indoctrination, the moves against free — the moves against free speech. We could see it because we have the tools to see it. The Dems can’t see it because they have only one filter and of course that’s race.
So when crime goes up, they blame racism. Kids get lousy educations. They blame racism. When a billionaire buys Twitter, hell, he must be racist. When their bread goes stale, racism. When they get a flat, racism.
How did this happen?
Well, when you decide that patriotism is oppression, you got to replace it with something. And that’s identity politics. That’s their replacement theory. But it’s like trying to replace sugar with sweet and low. The people who love sugar could tell how horrible it is right away.
But if your country can’t be forgiven based on the original sin of slavery, then you can’t be patriotic. You can’t love this country. All you can do is destroy it. And it’s much easier to burn buildings than it is to make them. We see this clearly now. In America, we understand our faults, our blessings, our need for cooperation, unity and love. We understand that identity politics offers none of that. If you don’t believe that, look at our competitors ratings. That’s called empirical evidence.
Thankfully, we’re in this together and we’re going to pull this country out of this malaise like a fireman or cop pulls a drowning dog out of a frozen lake and we’ll do it whether the idiot in charge likes it or not. With his popularity so low and gas prices so high. I wonder what he thinks.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SHILLUE: All right. All right. Look, look. So gas prices are up. My popularity is down. I don’t care. I don’t even care anymore. Who cares who likes me? It doesn’t matter. My wife likes me. She’s a doctor. And besides, I got a friend, Lady Gaga. She told me when she was in high school, nobody liked her. And, you know, they made fun of her, and now she’s Lady Gaga. So I’ll be like her, I’ll have my moment. I’m on the edge of glory.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. Like a Lego figurine, you’ll immediately forget his face in just a few minutes. Fox News Contributor Tom Shillue. She’s so bright you’ll see spots when she leaves. Fox News Contributor and townhall.com editor, Katie Pavlich. He’s the biggest name from Macungie, Pennsylvania because he’s the only name from Macungie, Pennsylvania. T.V. writer and producer, Adam Yenser.
And like carry-on luggage she’s got a tough exterior but fits in most overhead storage bins. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.
Tom, how you doing?
SHILLUE: Doing great, Greg. I love the new studio.
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s fantastic.
SHILLUE: You know, one thing hasn’t changed, Greg. We get water you get water and a lifesaver.
GUTFELD: Yes, I do. I go. I guess — I guess this is what success tastes. One day you will taste it as well. But only if you stick by me.
GUTFELD: If you ever stray. You’re dead to me and I will ruin your career. Just like I did to that Conan guy. Or the guy that was his partner. Remember that tall weirdo?
SHILLUE: He’s a god guy.
GUTFELD: Oh, is he?
GUTFELD: h, your friends I guess.
SHILLUE: I don’t know.
GUTFELD: You know what, Shut up. So, everything — Tom everything the media thought would happen under Trump is actually happening under Biden.
GUTFELD: And it’s all happening oddly at once. It feels like a great unraveling.
SHILLUE: And that’s the funny thing is that it’s all going wrong. And this is when they decided to have the kink conference.
SHILLUE: And invite teachers it’s so weird. I don’t even know any of that stuff that they’re doing but that the whole thing is the thing that’s so bad about it is they’re — they’ve made it normal like now that they have teachers and they’re teaching this stuff in school it’s taken the whole mystery of years ago, like if you were a CEO, or a high-end bond trader, you know, you’d hire a woman to put on heels and stuff on your back or whatever they do. Right?
GUTFELD: Whatever they do.
GUTFELD: I wouldn’t know.
SHILLUE: But now —
GUTFELD: Go ahead.
SHILLUE: Now what are they going to do? It’s like if they — once they make it normal, then the CEO is going to have to do something even crazier.
GUTFELD: No, I disagree. The kinkier it gets the more mundane your extremes will become. Like you will actually pay women to cook your pot roast.
TIMPF: That conference was for the people who were presenting at the conference.
TIMPF: Because I read about it and it was like they talked about their fetishes. And some of them involve this and that, it’s like, that’s only for the people who want to talk about that stuff. That’s not educational for anybody.
GUTFELD: Yes. So what — yes, what we’re talking about, there was this Philadelphia sex conference for teachers who teach kids and like, all the stuff was all this kinky crap. And it was like, I was thinking about, that’s like, this is what happens when you get — got rid of the sex phone lines, right? Because that’s where you would go and talk about this crap.
TIMPF: I don’t use the phone.
GUTFELD: No, you don’t.
KATIE PAVLICH, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: TIMPF: — a phone line?
TIMPF: Yes. Who is the — what’s a phone line?
SHILLUE: — it always had lot of charges from the 900 number.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
SHILLUE: And you needed something —
GUTFELD: Of course, it was a psychic hotline. Let’s broaden this discussion beyond perversion, Katie. I don’t know how we got there. But with Tom here, you never know.
GUTFELD: Do you feel as I do — do you feel as I do that, like the country is kind of waking up? Or there’s something going on? You know, it’s like — I think Netflix is because Netflix is a liberal company. The fact that they’re can — canning all this woke crap is amazing.
PAVLICH: Yes. And also — yes, very good thing.
GUTFELD: You didn’t even have to say anything.
PAVLICH: — so good at expanding to a class to your conversation.
PAVLICH: Everybody just loves it. When you look at the polling numbers for Joe Biden, especially in the direction of the country, when 21 percent of people say the direction the country is great, I’m like, who are these people?
PAVLICH: Like who — where are they living? What are they doing? They need to maybe be in charge because everything else is not working out for people. But, you know, I think people are realizing that when you take a position as a company, you’re alienating a number of people for business purposes. They don’t take the Michael Jordan stance of Republicans by Nike or shoes, too, right?
PAVLICH: And I think people are just sick of being lectured about morals from people who don’t hold themselves to the same standards, whether it’s COVID or climate change. For example, you know, John Kerry is telling us we all need to drive electric cars and not travel. Well, he has a private jet and gets to go wherever he wants for the sake of climate change. So, I think everybody’s just tired of being lectured to by people who think they are moral betters, and they’re sick of it.
GUTFELD: I think too, it’s a lot — also, I think a lot of this wokeism stuff is a luxury in good times.
GUTFELD: And now they brought us into bad times. And that (BLEEP) got to go. Weird thing, Adam, that I’ve noticed.
ADAM YENSER, WRITER/COMEDIAN: Yes.
GUTFELD: The mainstream media now covering Hunter Biden. It seems to me that now they’re even deciding that they chose the wrong horse, and they got to get him out.
GUTFELD: You know, I don’t know.
YENSER: And turn on Hunter Biden’s way to do that. I think Hunter might be the one percent that still supports Joe Biden. I think that’s — when they do those polls —
YENSER: If Hunter Biden and the anchors at CNN and that’s the entire percentage that are still supporting Joe Biden.
GUTFELD: They all live in the same place.
GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) depending on what you’re into, right, Tom?
SHILLUE: Oh, I was going to say they’ve turned now the Hunter Biden story, I guess is OK to report on now.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
SHILLUE: It’s not for —
GUTFELD: No. I mean, I think — I think what’s happening is they’re panicking because the Democrats see there’s no way out. And — I mean, they had a number of opportunities to — I think they’re going to count on the Roe v. Wade thing, helping them out but it isn’t moving the dial at all. They’re hoping, you know, any kind of thing. The racism card anything.
YENSER: It was clear that they — that Roe v. Wade leak was to gin people up for the election because they have nothing else going for them right now.
YENSER: They have nothing else to get their base going. Even his own party’s turning against him now.
GUTFELD: Yes. It’s kind of exciting, Kat, isn’t it? Aren’t you thrilled?
TIMPF: It takes a lot — it takes a lot to thrill me.
GUTFELD: Tom knows this lady.
TIMPF: Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
GUTFELD: I think the problem with Biden, it’s a double-barreled shotgun of problems because he’s an empty vessel. And then it — and then what filled the void was wokeism. So if he was just incompetent, there might have been some moderates to take his place, but instead, he’s an empty vessel and it was replaced by something even worse which are these like infantile minds who wants to destroy, you know, anything that successful.
TIMPF: Yes. It’s just so strange what they choose to focus on, right? Like, OK, less than one percent of the population is trans and even smaller percentage of that is trans men and even smaller percentage of that is trans men. People born as women who transition a man who will get pregnant.
TIMPF: And then even smaller of a percentage than that is those people who would give a (BLEEP) how you talk about pregnancy.
TIMPF: It’s such a small — which means that it has to be about something else, which I think it’s self serving because I think it’s an easier way for them to say Look how caring and compassionate we are and how much, you know, better educated and smarter I am than you are. Because it can’t — it mathematically doesn’t make sense that it’s about what they say it is.
GUTFELD: Yes. You cannot actually — I think that they deliberately do not do a head count on this because they wouldn’t break triple figures. It’s probably like 10 or 12. Really a “pregnant man.” Thank God there OK.
TIMPF: Yes. Which I get, you know, all right, if someone’s told me yes, I identify as a man I pregnant. I’d say the same thing. I would say anytime someone tells me they’re pregnant, which is just OK.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. Yes. Just don’t invite me to the baby show.
TIMPF: No, please.
GUTFELD: And we’re good.
YENSER: What I found you can’t do is just walk up to a man and congratulate him on being pregnant.
YENSER: Most of the time.
PAVLICH: I do have to say I’m very disappointed. I’m very disappointed in all of the chest feeding pregnant men for not making up for the baby formula shortage.
GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.
PAVLICH: Like, you know, chest feeling all of the babies.
GUTFELD: Right. No, it’s awful. All right, up next would you stab your colleague in the back over the facemask that they laugh?
GUTFELD: Hey, we’re back. No, no, no, no, no. Stop. It eats into my time. NPR host prattle while their employees tattle. Yes, public radio loves snitches, like their tote bags love stitches. NPR is encouraging employees to rat each other out if they don’t comply with a company’s mass policy in the office. This is according to an NPR memo obtained by the New York Post owned by our parent company Crisco.
The memo reads “If you notice someone who has forgotten their mask, you might tell them, hey, you forgot your mask.” Now in a sane world, you might respond. Hey, you forgot to shut the hell up. But this is crazy times. The memo added that employees could let a superior know so they can remind that person or get H.R. involved. And repeat offenders could be fired. Just following orders, folks.
Now all this is doubly nuts considering D.C. where NPR is headquartered dropped indoor mask mandates for stores and restaurants back in March. But if NPR did what people liked, they wouldn’t have to beg for donations. And the memo — yes. Screw them. The memo also claims that employees caught unmasked should say thank you for the reminder that they’re violating the rule. And then you bend over.
There’s even a system where employees can anonymously snitch on each other. You got to hand it to NPR though. They’re not asking employees to do something they wouldn’t expect their listeners to do.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, for all of us at NPR, this concludes our broadcast day. Remember to mask up and mask often.
GENE NELSON, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Ma’am, stand back and put on your mask.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We’re 100 feet away from each other and we’re outside now. Come on, let’s go, we have dinner reservations (INAUDIBLE) this fish. Come on. Why there’s some pop in your step? Pretend like it’s Sunday night football. To all the boys, they’re trying to get there faster.
NELSON: I’m so sick of this.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don’t think you wear a mask for that.
NELSON: You know, NPR never talks back to me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I don’t know where to go with this. I feel like a hypocrite. Right? Because like we’re ragged on NPR. But this place is crazy too. I mean — I mean, you don’t even have to have COVID and they’ll send you home. You know, but anyway, I digress.
TIMPF: Well, yes. I mean, you might have COVID at any time.
TIMPF: So you should just stay home all the time. Just stay home in case you have COVID. But it’s — because — people snitching on other people.
GUTFELD: I know. I know. What is this?
TIMPF: I don’t know. I think it’s like COVID is like the new herpes where the stigma is worse than what it actually is.
GUTFELD: Yes. I wouldn’t know that.
TIMPF: Having to tell people.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You know, this is like — it’d be really cool to be an undercover like in 21 Jump Street. Right? But your only role is to catch people without their masks. Try — you try to entrap them by getting them to take off their mask. Right?
YENSER: But then you’d have to be at NPR all day which doesn’t sound fun at all.
GUTFELD: Yes. What does it stand for? Not particularly —
GUTFELD: Reasonable. Hey, not bad.
SHILLUE: I love that they had the memo. It suggested passive aggressive behavior.
SHILLUE: They suggested you could go up to them say thank you forgot your mask. That’s the way they would deal it. I used to listen to NPR and I feel bad for them because I liked them because they talked so quiet.
GUTFELD: I like that too.
SHILLUE: I used to turn on my radio my car and I would listen to the quiet talking people but now it’s such a parody of itself. I still flip it on occasion on the car and they’re like, are hurricanes racist?
TIMPF: And the answer is always yes.
SHILLUE: It’s always yes. But they say, we’ll be right back after this with a professor. Listen to 10 seconds of jazz.
GUTFELD: It’s true, though. I mean, it turns out Katie that the people with the softest voices have the hardest hearts.
PAVLICH: Yes, it’s true. It’s amazing that these people get your tax money.
PAVLICH: Get your stuff like —
GUTFELD: They don’t get that much though, do they?
PAVLICH: They get enough.
GUTFELD: Yes. They get enough.
PAVLICH: I’ll take the money. I’ll take the tax money back.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
PAVLICH: The NPR tax cut. Oh, there are a lot of things that you can — that we should have a list for to snitch on in the office. Like if you bring fish to the office. If you burn popcorn in the office. There’s a whole list of things that there should — you should be allowed to snitch about and talk to H.R. about. This is not one of them.
GUTFELD: Yes, there are things that are done in our bathrooms that like —
PAVLICH: Exactly. Correct.
GUTFELD: — it defies any kind of human explanation. It’s like a bird came in and landed. And took a huge dump everywhere.
TIMPF: I am seeing things that have confused me.
GUTFELD: No. You just wonder how could a human being —
TIMPF: I firmly believe people in there are hula hooping. And I —
GUTFELD: Clapping about hula hooping —
TIMPF: I’m glad everybody seems to know what I mean.
GUTFELD: Hula hooping more like hula pooping.
GUTFELD: Yes. I know. I know. I basically just screwed that thing up. Adam, last word to you. I think we have time for last word. What do you — do you — do you think that this will ever go away?
YENSER: No. And I think at some places it won’t. Like NPR. I feel like right now. It’s clearly no longer about science or keeping people healthy. It’s about feeling better than other people. It’s about making yourself feel superior. Which is also I think why people listened to NPR in the first place.
YENSER: It just feels superior to other people.
GUTFELD: Yes, it does makes — it’s like — it’s like the official station — I hate — just call them Karen’s because I always feel bad for women named Karen. Are there any women here named Karen? Screw the Karens. Joking. NPR is the official station for Karen’s, right?
GUTFELD: Which we used to usually call the note — the nosy neighbors, the next door neighbor and bewitched. Remember her? Gladys. Yes, thank you. Get that man out of here.
PAVLICH: I have a term —
GUTFELD: Yes. But that’s what it is. It’s like that’s what the station is. That’s their brand. OK. I’m going to shut up now. Up next, does identifying as a lady make a criminal smart or shady? Yes.
GUTFELD: If you’re a blood thirsty offender, should you then change your gender? It’s true, they gamed the system by changing it to her from him. In 2020, 26-year-old, Alex Ray Scott, allegedly murdered an antiques dealer he met on a dating app, as they all do. Prosecutor said, he stabbed the man in the face and slit his throat. Terrible. Although, this explains why my wife keeps asking me to go antiquing.
But now, he is a she and an ugly one. Alex who has pleaded not guilty was back in court this week sporting a new look and revealing a transition to female. That’s more convenient than those students that become rollerskates. I love those. The six-foot tall, 190-pound inmate is being housed in Rikers Island Center for female detainees. Well, we know who’s getting picked first for basketball in the exercise yard.
Of course, this is happening after two women inmates got impregnated by a transgendered inmate at a New Jersey women’s prison. Then, there’s Hannah Tubbs the child molester who also transitioned after the crime. She gained sympathy and an early release for being trans after molesting a child and a bathroom. Tubbs gloated over the slap on the wrist he got.
The release was defended by the Office of LADA, George Gascon, who now faces a recall and he should be recalled now that Tubbs has been charged with murder for a crime committed after the molestation charge. I know, I know, I know, what’s the world coming to when you can’t even trust the pedophiles?
You know, Kat, I’m going to go to you first because this is — we went back to that woman that says all you got to do is identify as a woman to be a woman. In this case, all you got to do is grow your hair out. You don’t even have to remove your junk. This guy has grown his hair out, and he’s a woman. So, basically, the left is saying it doesn’t take anything to be a woman other than that. Doesn’t that upset you?
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Again, it takes a lot to get me really worked up. I just, I’m almost confused why more dudes aren’t doing that.
GUTFELD: I know.
TIMPF: Like, why is there a men’s prison at all?
TIMPF: Because, what — like, who are those guys, and how dumb are they —
TIMPF: — to still be there when they. Like, if you look at Hannah Tubbs, that that’s a dude, that does not even feel like a woman obviously, because we’re bragging about that.
TIMPF: Like, oh, they felt bad for me because I said I was a chick. Like, that’s all you need to do? Why is there a men’s prison full of guys, if they know all they need to say is I feel like a chick now, and then you go to the chick prison.
GUTFELD: I bet there is a line outside like this special red phone that everybody I know — I did — like there’s a huge line of male inmates go: yes, I’m — yes, I’m now a woman. I’m now a woman. Because that’s exactly right. I mean, incent that what we’re seeing, again, that the Democrats and liberals don’t learn is the science of incentives, incentives. This incentivized this transition because you could get better, better stuff. You know, safer surroundings.
KATIE PAVLICH, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, yes, and there’ve been actually hundreds of transfers in California of men to women’s prisons. And the reason they are separate is because it’s dangerous for women to be in prisoned with men. And there’s this complete violation of women’s privacy, women’s rights, rights to have their own personal spaces, including in prison.
And they’ve thrown feminism like completely out the window by saying, all you have to do to be a woman is to grow your hair a certain way and say that you’re a woman, you know, erase all of that while putting women who are in prison in danger by putting men in the same spaces as them.
PAVLICH: So, I think it’s outrageous. They should have their own space, but you can’t be a man in a woman’s space. They don’t just do this with prison. They do this with shelters.
PAVLICH: They do it with battered women’s shelters. So, the way that they are forcing women into these vulnerable positions, real women, it’s absolutely disgusting.
GUTFELD: How dare you say real women? That offends me. Because I’m still on the fence. Adam, you, with your beard?
ADAM YENSER, COMEDIAN: Yes. I could be a woman, you’ll never know.
GUTFELD: No, no, I — you know what, I just the idea of describing a beard to a male to me comes across as sexist.
GUTFELD: And I apologize for that. Would you identify as a woman if you killed someone when you were a man because I sure as hell would.
YENSER: I like all the theoretical that are in place first, but I guess so.
TIMPF: It’s a yes or no question.
YENSER: Yes. And it feels like that’s clearly what these people are doing because this guy never identified as a woman before that when he was out there murdering and stealing and stabbing. Like the most feminine thing he did was shop for antiques, before —
YENSER: And then when he got arrested, he’s like, oh, I’m going to jail, I just remembered I’m a lady.
GUTFELD: It’s wrong, Tom. What say you?
TOM SHILLUE, COMEDIAN: I agree with everyone, it’s wrong. Yes, I mean, we were — to be honest, I don’t think I’d want to go to the women’s prison either.
GUTFELD: Why not, are you sexist?
SHILLUE: Look, they’re pretty tough there as well. I saw —
GUTFELD: You wouldn’t last.
SHILLUE: — “Orange is the New Black.” Yes —
TIMPF: I saw that in “Orange is the New Black.”
SHILLUE: You know, those ladies are tough, so I don’t, I would have to do something else. I would have to identify as something other than a wolf because I can’t take the woman’s prison either, so I need a whole other situation.
GUTFELD: That’s interesting.
SHILLUE: I can do like, remember you know, Andy Griffith, I can stay in that jail. You know, play the banjo.
PAVLICH: But you’re soft in and out.
GUTFELD: That was the good old days when they, when the inmate, there was only one.
GUTFELD: They were either snoring off because they were drunk.
GUTFELD: Or they were just a friendly guy with some advice. Don’t do what I did, kid. What did you do? Chopped up, chopped up my mother. No, that wasn’t Andy Griffith something else I missed that show. Those were some good times, huh, Tom?
SHILLUE: Good days.
GUTFELD: Yes. Maybe you and I later, we’ll go, go watch them.
SHILLUE: Go watch some Andy Griffith, yes.
GUTFELD: There we go. That’s a wild time for, Tom. Coming up, at what age have you had enough of silly kids’ stuff?
GUTFELD: Confused at the time and I didn’t know what I was doing. But we’re back. As life becomes longer, does growing up feel wrong-er? Maybe. A recent poll, my favorite kind, conducted on behalf of a Mattress Company. Don’t ask. Found that 53 percent of Americans said they felt like an adult at age 18. But the rest, that’s 47 percent, Kat, didn’t feel like an adult until they hit 29 — lots of numbers. Meaning, meanwhile, I’m still waiting to hit puberty. Until then, I’m the guy with the gray hair buying clothes in the boys department.
Why am I reading jokes that insult me? So, aside from being tried as an adult, what were the top five milestones that made respondents feel grown up? Well, 30 percent said living on their own for the first-time 28 percent said buying a house 27 percent said getting married and another 27 percent said having their own bank account. And 26 percent said having kids and all those numbers add up to more than 100 percent. So, I guess being able to do math doesn’t count as being an adult. Katie, do you feel like an adult?
PAVLICH: I do?
PAVLICH: I’m curious about the people who think having a kid is less adulting than buying a house. I don’t have children, so I’m not sure. I felt like an adult when I got my first dog.
PAVLICH: Like you have responsibility for another human being besides yourself. That’s probably the moment.
GUTFELD: It’s weird, but I felt that way with my first plant.
PAVLICH: Yes, that’s true.
GUTFELD: And I enjoyed killing it.
PAVLICH: I’ve killed lots of plants too. That’s OK.
GUTFELD: What does that say about me, Katie?
PAVLICH: I don’t know, because I killed, I killed a cactus once, and that’s hard to do. Yes. So, yes —
GUTFELD: Well, he kept needling you.
PAVLICH: He did.
TIMPF: You deserve that.
GUTFELD: Tom laughed, because he sends a wholesome clean humor. Look at that. You’re a clean guy. Tom, I bet you have stories about society coddling kids too much, right?
SHILLUE: It’s so true. Look, I’ve felt like an old dude when I was 17.
SHILLUE: I was singing in a barbershop quartet.
GUTFELD: And dating, you’re dating a six-year-old woman?
SHILLUE: Well, the world is reversed though. I mean, we got you know, I can’t blame young people. Because old people are acting like adolescents. We get people in their 50s and 60s Dancing on tick tock and then kindergarteners are going to drag queen story hour, it’s flipped.
GUTFELD: It has flipped. It has flipped.
TIM: So, you can’t blame young people. Everyone is having an extended adolescence people are ridiculous. It’s time we wake up and be adults.
GUTFELD: Take the fist, Tom. You know Kat, I feel like I’m still a child at heart. But that’s because all I eat our child’s hearts.
TIMPF: That’s — I’m glad you direct that at me.
GUTFELD: Do you consider yourself an adult you are sometimes in adulthood most of the time, if from my opinion, you’re not.
TIMPF: I — so, it’s interesting because I kind of feel the same way about me.
TIMPF: Because I do feel like an adult but for example, so like when I got married, right, I did all this stuff where like you have the wedding and I filled out the papers. But then when I got the, the thing in the mail, that was like the merit like that, you’re married, I was like, oh my god, it worked.
TIMPF: Like, OK.
GUTFELD: I don’t even know where mine is. Adam.
TIMPF: I don’t either.
GUTFELD: Does it make sense because we’re living longer, basically, 30 is really the new 13, right?
YENSER: Maybe? I don’t know. First of all, I think one of the markers of being an adult should be filling out a survey from a mattress company.
YENSER: There’s no kid that’s sitting there going, I’m going to fill this out and send it back.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
YENSER: But I mean, I think it’s also that people just living at home forever now. Like no one, I don’t know people my age that still live at home. They never leave their parents’ house, like parents should be warned about that now. Like they’re always like, when you have a kid, there was like, watch out for the terrible 2s. They’re never like watch out for the unemployed 37s.
GUTFELD: Yes, and you know if they’re there, you know why they’re there, right? They’re just trying to outlive you. Like why don’t you — like, they’re betting against you outliving them so they’re not moving out?
GUTFELD: You know, that’s what I would do.
SHILLUE: I don’t want to — I mean, I’m thinking if my kids want to stay, I’ll —
PAVLICH: So, you’re part of the problem, is what you’re saying?
SHILLUE: Well, I don’t, I don’t think people like their kids to leave. So, you know —
GUTFELD: I think that’s true.
TIM: It’s often the parents’ fault too. They’re like, no, stay home.
GUTFELD: Well, you want them to be successful. And then, when they’re really rich, buy them a new house where everybody can live together, right?
SHILLUE: Be nice.
GUTFELD: That’ll never happen. Your kids can always come live with me because I’ll be rich.
PAVLICH: Greg, you hate kids.
GUTFELD: I do hate kids.
YENSER: And at what age do you think it’s OK to teach an adult about the sexual fetish conference?
GUTFELD: Only when they start training there. They’re like, they’re actually teaching people. I don’t know. I don’t have answers to everything. But actually, I do. Up next is anything more wrong than a traveler airing out her thongs?
ANNOUNCER: “A STORY IN FIVE WORDS.”
GUTFELD: So, here’s the story, a disgusting one, in five words: plane passenger airs out thong. Katie?
PAVLICH: What? Yes, Greg.
GUTFELD: I battled my demons over this story, whether we should actually even do this because to me, it just, I don’t know why it makes me just lose hope for the world. Apparently, she spilled booze on herself and soaked her thong.
PAVLICH: She was on something.
GUTFELD: Yes, well, she was definitely drunk.
PAVLICH: I will say, I’m not an expert in this.
PAVLICH: Sorry to say. Maybe she thought it was a mask, and she was just trying to comply with their line standard.
GUTFELD: Who hasn’t made that mistake?
PAVLICH: She was trying to help her fellow passengers stay safe.
TIMPF: I think she’s a brilliant entrepreneur.
GUTFELD: Really? How so?
TIMPF: She’s an Only Fans girl.
TIMPF: So, it’s not exactly like she’s in a line of work where, you know, publicly doing something disgusting with your underwear is going to be bad for business.
GUTFELD: That is true. And yes, she’s on, you know, explain to the people at home what Only Fans is Kat.
TIMPF: They all already know.
GUTFELD: I didn’t know until you told me.
GUTFELD: I still (INAUDIBLE) to Kilmeade’s.
SHILLUE: Could I have one of those Only Fans, and if I just did all my wholesome activities, and you know —
GUTFELD: Well, I think you could because back in the 90s when you were stripping, didn’t you go by Thong Shillue?
SHILLUE: I doubt. It’s not me. That was a cheap imitation. I criticized this woman like everyone else did. But then I realized when John McAfee wore one of those things as a mask and got arrested, I called him a hero.
GUTFELD: That’s right. So, like you’re calling out your own inner hypocrisy right now?
SHILLUE: Yes, yes.
GUTFELD: All right, pee John McAfee, if he’s still in fact dead.
SHILLUE: Yes, I know — who knows what happened.
GUTFELD: Well, you did. You killed him. Adam, what are your thoughts on this controversial, disgusting, repulsive topic that I’m wondering if we ever should have done it on the show or will I meet with the manager, or management on Monday to discuss why we did this story?
YENSER: I don’t know if she thought it was a mask but to her credit, if you’re somebody who wants everyone else to wear a mask, I think that’s a good way to do it. Like, I’m so over, I’m so over the mask mandates but she was putting up but the thing that blows air around the plane. Like, when I saw that, I’d be like, alright, I’ll wear my mask one last time. Maybe, I’ll listen to Fauci like what she did one more time.
GUTFELD: No. That is a good — you know, Kat. OK. You think she’s a brilliant entrepreneur, but what if you were sitting behind her? Would you have said anything?
TIMPF: I would have filmed it and gotten clicks for myself. Like, it’s a win-win for everybody. That TikTok when you did, like, everybody wins.
GUTFELD: I don’t think everybody wins. I actually think the world is falling apart, Tom. Am I getting old? Like, we’ve lost the ability to act like civil human beings, and, and flying especially has turned into the greyhound bus, right?
SHILLUE: Yes, it is.
TIMPF: That is not true. You’ve not spent time on the greyhound bus.
GUTFELD: It’s been a long time.
TIMPF: I have and it is not the same.
GUTFELD: I used to, I took a bus a lot to back and forth. But it wasn’t greyhound, it was the beaver bus. Remember the beaver bus? Eastern P.A., picked it up in (INAUDIBLE) or West Coast Ville. I’m living in my own little world right now.
SHILLUE: Do you keep that thing on? That, that, that, oh, the tile with the wind comes out.
GUTFELD: I love that thing.
SHILLUE: Do you keep it on the whole time or do you turn it off?
GUTFELD: I keep it on, why? What’s wrong with it?
PAVLICH: It’s blowing.
SHILLUE: I don’t trust what comes out of that hole.
GUTFELD: I’ve been saying that about you for years. Walked into that one. All right, we’re going to be flying together soon and we’re going to talk about that, after the break you and me.
SHILLUE: That’s right.
GUTFELD: All right. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back with more —
GUTFELD: Time for some final thoughts. Where are you going to be, Adam?
YENSER: I’ll be at the Great American Comedy Festival in Norfolk, Nebraska, June 16th to 18th.
GUTFELD: Excellent. And I’m going to be in Salt Lake City, Utah tomorrow for my book tour. You know, who’s going to join me? Tom Shillue.
GUTFELD: Shut up, Tom. Tyrus is going to be there too. We got some fall dates in Connecticut and Texas. All you got to do is go to GGutfeld.com for ticket info. Are we out of time?
OK, I was going to talk to Tom, but you know what, we’ve had enough of them.
GUTFELD: Sorry. Look at you. All right. Thanks to Tom Shillue, Katie Pavlich, Adam Yenser, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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